Is Working in Tech Hurting Your Romantic Partner?
There are aspects of a tech job that can cause you to risk losing your romantic partner if you aren't careful.
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How to Keep Your Relationship Healthy While Working in Tech: 5 Key Lessons
Working in tech can be demanding, with long hours, high stress, and unpredictable workloads. For those of us who have committed relationships, whether you’re married or in a long-term relationship, the stress from a tech career can easily spill into our personal lives. After 27 years in the industry and 25 years of marriage, I’ve learned how to navigate this tricky balance. Today, I’ll share with you some hard-learned lessons on how to maintain a healthy relationship while working in tech.
1. Beware of Long, Unpredictable Work Hours
If you’ve been in tech for any length of time, you know the grind—projects stretch longer than expected, unexpected bugs pop up, and deadlines suddenly feel impossible. These long, unpredictable hours can quickly strain your relationship if you don’t set boundaries. When your partner feels neglected, it’s only a matter of time before resentment builds, and trust me, no one wants to feel like they’re competing with your job.
In my marriage, there were times when the work hours stretched to the point where my wife felt completely disconnected from me. It wasn’t intentional, but tech can create that divide when you’re not careful. So, to maintain a healthy relationship, you have to protect your time together. Don’t let tech dictate when and how you spend time with your partner.
2. Avoid a Transactional Relationship
One of the most dangerous traps you can fall into is letting your relationship become transactional. This is when the relationship feels like a series of exchanges: “I’ll do this for you if you do that for me.” This can sneak up on you, especially when you’re running on fumes from long hours at work and have little energy left for anything else. But a transactional relationship kills attraction and emotional connection.
I’ll be honest: there were times when I would work late into the night and still expect intimacy from my wife, but we hadn’t spent any meaningful time together in days or even weeks. She felt like our relationship was reduced to a series of tasks, and I had neglected the emotional connection. If your relationship starts to feel like a list of transactions, it’s a major red flag that something needs to change.
3. Watch Out for Communication Breakdowns
If you spend most of your day coding or interacting with machines, it’s easy to let your communication skills slip. Communicating with a machine and communicating with a person are very different. Your partner isn’t like your computer—they don’t just respond to commands or fix problems on demand! You have to be open, vulnerable, and willing to talk about things that don’t necessarily have solutions.
Early in my marriage, I found myself treating communication with my wife like a checklist: “Here’s what I need you to do” or “here’s what I’ve done, we’re good.” But communication isn’t just about transferring information—it’s about sharing feelings, concerns, and connecting emotionally. Make time for real conversations, not just logistical updates.
4. Don’t Let Financial Pressure Sabotage Your Relationship
Tech jobs can be lucrative, but the pressure to maintain a certain lifestyle can also add stress to your relationship. It’s easy to fall into the trap of lifestyle inflation: as you make more money, you spend more, and before you know it, you’re living paycheck to paycheck despite your high income.
When times get tough in the tech industry (and trust me, there are always downturns), financial stress can lead to arguments, resentment, and ultimately, relationship breakdowns. I’ve seen it happen to friends and clients I’ve coached. Keep your finances in check and don’t let the pressure to keep up with others in the industry cause friction in your relationship.
5. Lack of Shared Interests Can Create Distance
As you spend more time immersed in the digital world, whether it’s coding, troubleshooting, or gaming, you might find that your interests and your partner’s interests start to diverge. This can create a rift if you’re not intentional about spending time together on activities you both enjoy.
Early in our marriage, my wife and I bonded over playing video games together, but eventually, she lost interest while I stayed hooked. If we hadn’t found other shared interests, we would have drifted apart. It’s important to make time for experiences you can enjoy together, whether it’s going on walks, cooking together, or just having a tech-free conversation.
Practical Ways to Maintain a Healthy Relationship While Working in Tech
Now that we’ve identified some of the problems, let’s talk about practical solutions to help you maintain a healthy relationship while working in tech.
1. Schedule and Prioritize Quality Time Together
This may seem obvious, but scheduling time together is one of the most effective ways to ensure your relationship stays strong. I’m talking about actually putting time on your calendar to spend with your partner, just like you would for a meeting or project deadline.
If you can afford it, go out once a week. If going out isn’t an option, plan regular date nights at home where you intentionally focus on each other—no phones, no work talk, just time together. It may feel awkward at first, especially if you’ve been neglecting it, but stick with it. Joyful experiences with your partner are what create long-lasting connections.
2. Communicate Openly About Stress and Expectations
Stress is inevitable in tech, but keeping the lines of communication open with your partner is key. If you’re going through a particularly stressful period at work, let them know. But don’t make every conversation about venting your frustrations. Your partner needs to know how you’re feeling, but they also need to feel like their emotions and concerns matter.
Set the expectation that it’s okay for them to tell you if your stress is negatively impacting them. This kind of openness helps prevent resentment from building up and ensures that you’re both on the same page.
3. Set Boundaries Between Work and Life
Healthy boundaries between work and life are essential. You can’t be available for work 24/7 and expect your relationship to thrive. Set a clear cutoff time where you stop answering emails, Slack messages, or anything work-related.
Additionally, establish tech-free times in your home. For example, during dinner, agree that there will be no work talk or screen time. It may sound simple, but this can go a long way toward keeping your relationship healthy.
Conclusion
Maintaining a relationship while working in tech isn’t easy, but it’s absolutely possible if you’re intentional about it. Don’t let long work hours, poor communication, financial pressure, or lack of shared interests sabotage your relationship. If you invest in your relationship just like you invest in your career, you’ll find that it’s possible to have both a successful career and a fulfilling personal life.
About the THRIVING TECHNOLOGIST show
On YouTube and all major podcast networks, Jayme shares teamwork and leadership strategies, guidelines for healthy company culture, and stories about real projects so you can have a sustainable career in the software industry.
Jayme Edwards
A family man and veteran of nearly 40 software projects, Jayme experienced many wins and losses over his career as an architect and consultant.
Now he's coaching software developers, managers, and business owners to overcome challenges in the IT industry - so they keep growing.